July, 2008
“It was called "the southern strategy," started under Richard M. Nixon in 1968, and described ... efforts to use race as a wedge issue -- on matters such as desegregation and busing -- to appeal to...southern voters.”
The southern part of The United States is known by its language, demeanor and is known by its stereotypes, largely because of "the southern strategy," some fair, some way off the mark. Hardly illiterate, some of The United States’ most prominent wordsmiths hail from the South.
Robert Penn Warren (All the King’s Men) was born in Guthrie, Kentucky; Irvin S. Cobb, journalist Joe Creason and playwright Marsha Norman are from “The Bluegrass State” ; Shelby Foote, John Grisham and William Faulkner are three well-known authors from Mississippi. Arkansas boasts Helen Gurley Brown (yes, from Green Forest, Arkansas), as well as The Arkansas Gazette, the state’s first newspaper, founded by William Woodruff (founded in 1819); the Carolinas have given us humorist Robert Quillen, Thomas (not Virginian Tom) Wolfe (You Can't Go Home Again) and journalist Thomas Grey (Tom) Wicker, Alabama is proud that Harper Lee (To Kill a Mockingbird) and Booker T. Washington (Washington was born in Virginia but is best-known for work in Alabama) hail from there; Erskine Caldwell (Tobacco Road, God's Little Acre), W.E.B. Du Bois, Margaret Mitchell (Gone with the Wind) and Flannery O'Connor all have strong Georgia connections. Horton Foote and journalist Molly Ivins both had strong roots in the “Lone Star State” of Texas. Truman Capote (Breakfast at Tiffany's, In Cold Blood), born in New Orleans, Louisiana, Anne Rice (Interview with the Vampire, The Queen of the Damned) and news analyst Cokie Roberts (NPR/ABC) all have bayou connections. Thomas Lanier “Tennessee “ Williams III (A Streetcar Named Desire, The Glass Menagerie, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof) lived all over the South, most notably in Mississippi, Missouri, Florida and Louisiana but never in Tennessee (His college fraternity brothers dubbed him "Tennessee" for his rich southern drawl but his literary rights are in Sewanee, Tennessee at The University of the South in honor of his grandfather, Walter Dakin, an alumnus of the university). But both Alex Haley and Albert (Al) Gore, Jr. well-represent “The Volunteer State”. And most have read something by humorist/(former) The Miami (Florida) Herald columnist Dave Barry.
The men’s basketball programs at The University of Kentucky (Lexington) and The University of North Carolina (Chapel Hill) are the two winningest programs in history.
South Carolinian John C. Calhoun (“The Cast Iron Man”) and Kentucky Whig Senator Henry Clay (“The Great Compromiser”) were two of the three (along with Massachusetts Senator Daniel Webster) that formed “The Great Triumvirate” that dominated US politics in the mid-1800s.
“The Mouth of the South", media tycoon (CNN, TNT, WTBS, Turner Entertainment Co.) and philanthropist Ted Turner, (did you know that he is the largest individual landowner in North America?) is best-known for his Georgia connection.
Since The Great Depression, some recent Presidents hail from Missouri, Arkansas, Georgia and Texas. National figures include Senator Strom Thurmond (South Carolina), Senator Robert Byrd (West Virginia), Senator John Stennis (Mississippi), Senator J. William Fulbright (Arkansas), Representative Carl Perkins (Kentucky), Senator John Edwards (North Carolina), Senator Elizabeth Dole (North Carolina), and Louisiana Senator David Vitter probably wishes he were known nationally for his legislative prowess.
“Oh? And which side are yours on Mrs. Sugarbaker?”
“Both”
(Bernice's Sanity Hearing ) Designing Women 11/1989
If you want to be left alone or want to do something yourself,
“Who’s killin’ this cat?”
If you don’t approve of the way someone is doing something,
“That’s a hell of a way to run a railroad.”
If someone wants to be listened to,
“I’m serious as a heart attack.”
An unexpected arrival,
“Big as life and twice as ugly.”
Public disclosure,
“In front of God and everybody.”
Hatred,
“I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.”
When you are really tired,
“Even God got a day off.”
[From the Bible (...and on the seventh day He rested).]
If someone isn’t being believed,
“You’re so full of shit, your eyes are brown.”
or
“I knew he was lying because his lips were moving.”
If someone appears to be in a state of bliss,
“He’s in hog heaven.”
If someone has an incredible grasp of the obvious,
“Ain’t no flies on you, are there?”
If someone is infuriating,
“You’d make Jesus Christ cuss.”
If someone does something untoward,
“You ain’t got sense God give a goose.”
An approval,
“If you’re waitin’ on me, you’re backin’ up.”
Response to anyone who asks for a repetition of facts,
“Huh, hell. Pay attention.”
Response to someone who is condescending,
“I was born yesterday...but I’ve been up all night.”
If something is painful,
“It just don’t take me long to look at a pan.”
(Generally in response to a burn after being warned against it.)
If someone obstructs another’s view,
“You make a better door than you do a window.”
If someone is uncomfortable in a situation,
“She’s as nervous as a whore in church.”
or
“He’s as jumpy as a long-tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
A response to a threat,
“You better pack a lunch and start early, ‘cause it’s gonna be an all day job.”
or
“You better jump a fat hog or somethin’ you can eat.”
Unless,
“Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.”
Paramount,
“You’re the dumbest person what ever come down the pike.”
(“Come down the pike” is generally used with ever and -est.)
Naiveté,
“Did you just fall off the turnip truck?”
Confused,
“I’m not sure I understand all it is that I know.”
A small room,
“You can’t cuss a cat without getting fur in your mouth.”
A traumatic or otherwise unfortunate experience,
“Well, that’ll leave a scar.”
Exasperating,
“Well, Lord love a duck!”
or
“Well, Jesus H Christ, could you be any dumber?”
Too much to carry in one trip,
“He tried to take a lazy man's load of stuff, all piled up, then dropped the whole damned thing.”
[afterward—“Just throw that anywhere.”]
“Make up your mind”,
“Either fish or cut bait.”
or
“Either shit or get off the pot.”
or
“Just do it or don’t. No use in worryin’ it to death.”
Preferred,
“It beats a sharp stick in the eye but not by much.”
Preoccupied, frazzled,
“He was as busy as a one armed paper hanger.”
or
“He was hoppin’ around like a one-legged man in an ass kickin’ contest.”
Impartial,
“I don’t care who wins. I haven’t got a dog in this fight.”
Pointless,
“It’s too late; sorry don’t walk the dog.”
Leading to an unhappy ending,
“It’ll all end in tears. I know it.”
or
“It’s all fun and games ‘til somebody gets hurt.”
Offensive odor,
“She stunk so bad it'd knock a buzzard off a gut wagon."
In a hurry to use the bathroom,
“I gotta pee so bad, my teeth are floatin’.”
or
“I gotta piss like a racehorse.”
or
“My eyes are turnin’ yellow.”
or
“Hurry up! There’s 12 people hoppin’ up and down on one leg out here!”
Sour disposition,
“He’d bitch if you hung him with a new rope…well, not for long.”
Destructive,
“Christ in Heaven, you could tear up an anvil.”
For those who knew Sidney Pribble and “The Colonel”…
If someone must deal with the ramifications of an act,
“That’s your little red wagon, now you pull it.”
All original artwork in The Blue Mud Chronicles is by Jeffrey Unthank. See more of his work at:
Woodrow World